Week 15
“To Wives”
Week number 15, Chapter 8, "To Wives," pages 104 to 121.
With few exceptions, our book thus far has spoken of men, but what we have said applies quite as much to women. Our activities on behalf of women who drink are on the increase. There is every evidence that women regain their health as readily as men, if they try our suggestions.
But for every man who drinks, others are involved: the wife who trembles in fear of the next debauch; the mother and father who see their son wasting away. Among us are wives, relatives, and friends whose problem has been solved, as well as some who have not yet found a happy solution. We want the wives of Alcoholics Anonymous to address the wives of men who drink too much. What they say will apply to nearly everyone bound by ties of blood or affection to an alcoholic.
As wives of Alcoholics Anonymous, we would like you to feel that we understand as perhaps few can. We want to analyze mistakes we have made. We want to leave you with the feeling that no situation is too difficult and no unhappiness too great to be overcome.
The Rocky Road
We have traveled a rocky road. There is no mistake about that. We have had long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self-pity, misunderstanding, and fear. These are not pleasant companions. We have been driven to maudlin sympathy, to bitter resentment. Some of us flared from extreme to extreme, ever hoping that one day our loved ones would be themselves once more.
Our loyalty and the desire that our husbands hold up their heads and be like other men have begotten all sorts of predicaments. We have been unselfish and self-sacrificing. We have told innumerable lies to protect our pride and our husbands' reputations. We have prayed. We have begged. We have been patient. We have struck out viciously. We have run away. We have been hysterical. We have been terror-stricken. We have sought sympathy. We have had retaliatory love affairs with other men.
Our homes have been battlegrounds many an evening. In the morning we have kissed and made up. Our friends have counseled chucking the men, and we have done so with finality, only to be back in a little while—hoping, always hoping. Our men have sworn great solemn oaths that they were through drinking forever. We have believed them when no one else could or would; then in days, weeks, or months, a fresh outburst.
We seldom had friends at our homes, never knowing how or when the men of the house would appear. We could make few social engagements. We came to live almost alone. When we were invited out, our husbands sneaked so many drinks that they spoiled the occasion. If, on the other hand, they took nothing, their self-pity made them killjoys.
The Financial and Emotional Toll
There was never financial security; positions were always in jeopardy or gone. An armored car could not have brought the pay envelopes home; the checking account melted like snow in June. Sometimes there were other women. How heartbreaking was this discovery; how cruel to be told they understood our men as we did not. The bill collectors, the sheriffs, the angry taxi drivers, the policemen, the bums, the pals, and even the ladies they sometimes brought home. Our husbands thought we were so inhospitable. "Joy-killer," "nag," "wet blanket"—that's what they said. Next day they would be themselves again, and we would forgive and try to forget.
We have tried to hold the love of our children for their father. We have told small tots that father was sick, which was much nearer the truth than we realized. They struck the children, kicked out door panels, smashed treasured crockery, and ripped the keys out of pianos. In the midst of such pandemonium, they may have rushed out threatening to live with the other woman forever. In desperation, we have even got tight ourselves—the drunk to end all drunks. The unexpected result was that our husband seemed to like it.
Perhaps at this point, we got a divorce and took the children home to father and mother. Then we were severely criticized by our husband's parents for desertion. Usually, we did not leave. We stayed on and on. We finally sought employment ourselves as destitution faced us and our families. We began to ask medical advice as the sprees got closer together. The alarming physical and mental symptoms, the deepening pall of remorse, depression, and inferiority that settled down on our loved ones—these things terrified and distracted us. As animals on a treadmill, we have patiently and wearily climbed, falling back in exhaustion after each futile effort to reach solid ground.
Understanding the Illness
Most of us have entered the final stage with its commitment to health resorts, sanitariums, hospitals, and jails. Sometimes there were screaming, delirium, and insanity. Death was often near. Under these conditions, we naturally made mistakes. Some of them rose out of ignorance of alcoholism. Sometimes we sensed dimly that we were dealing with sick men. Had we fully understood the nature of the alcoholic illness, we might have behaved differently.
How could men who love their wives and children be so unthinking, so callous, so cruel? There could be no love in such persons, we thought. And just as we were being convinced of their heartlessness, they would surprise us with fresh resolves and new attentions. For a while they would be their old sweet selves, only to dash the new structure of affection to pieces once more. Asked why they commenced to drink again, they would reply with some silly excuse, or none. It was so baffling, so heartbreaking.
Could we have been so mistaken in the men we married? When drinking, they were strangers. Sometimes they were so inaccessible that it seemed as though a great wall had been built around them. And even if they did not love their families, how could they be so blind about themselves? Where was their judgment, their common sense, their willpower? Why could they not see that drink meant ruin to them? Why was it, when these dangers were pointed out, that they agreed and then got drunk again immediately?
A New Perspective
These are some of the questions which race through the mind of every woman who has an alcoholic husband. We hope this book has answered some of them. Perhaps your husband has been living in that strange world of alcoholism where everything is distorted and exaggerated. You can see that he really does love you with his better self. Of course, there is such a thing as incompatibility, but in nearly every instance, the alcoholic only seems to be unloving and inconsiderate. It is usually because he is warped and sickened that he says and does these appalling things.
Today, most of our men are better husbands and fathers than ever before. Try not to condemn your alcoholic husband, no matter what he says or does. He is just another very sick, unreasonable person. Treat him, when you can, as though he had pneumonia. When he angers you, remember that he is very ill.
There is an important exception to the foregoing. We realize some men are thoroughly bad-intentioned, that no amount of patience will make any difference. An alcoholic of this temperament may be quick to use this chapter as a club over your head. Don't let him get away with it. If you are positive he is one of this type, you may feel you had better leave. Is it right to let him ruin your life and the lives of your children, especially when he has before him a way to stop his drinking and abuse if he really wants to pay the price?
Four Categories of Drinkers
The problem with which you struggle usually falls within one of four categories:
The Heavy Drinker: Your husband may be only a heavy drinker. His drinking may be constant, or it may be heavy only on certain occasions. He is positive he can handle his liquor, that it does him no harm, that drinking is necessary in his business. He would probably be insulted if he were called an alcoholic.
Lack of Control: Your husband is showing lack of control, for he is unable to stay on the water wagon even when he wants to. He admits this is true but is positive that he will do better. He is remorseful and tells you he wants to stop. These are the earmarks of a real alcoholic.
The Advanced Case: This husband has gone much further. His friends have slipped away, his home is in near wreck, and he cannot hold a position. He admits he cannot drink like other people but clings to the notion that he will yet find a way to do so. You can be quite hopeful of a situation like this.
The Desperate Case: You may have a husband of whom you completely despair. He has been placed in one institution after another. He is violent or appears definitely insane when drunk. This picture may not be as dark as it looks. Many of our husbands were just as far gone, yet they got well.
Dealing with Category One
Oddly enough, the first type is often difficult to deal with. He enjoys drinking. We know all about liquor as a social lubricant. The first principle of success is that you should never be angry, even though your husband becomes unbearable and you have to leave him temporarily. You should, if you can, go without rancor. Patience and good temper are most necessary.
Our next thought is that you should never tell him what he must do about his drinking. If he gets the idea that you are a nag or a killjoy, your chance of accomplishing anything useful may be zero. He will use that as an excuse to drink more. Be determined that your husband's drinking is not going to spoil your relations with your children or your friends. It is possible to have a full and useful life, though your husband continues to drink. Do not set your heart on reforming your husband. You may be unable to do so, no matter how hard you try.
Your husband may come to appreciate your reasonableness and patience. This may lay the groundwork for a friendly talk. Try to have him bring up the subject himself. When a discussion does arise, you might suggest he read this book. Show him you have confidence in his power to stop or moderate. If this kind of approach does not catch your husband's interest, it may be best to drop the subject.
Dealing with Categories Two and Three
Suppose, however, that your husband fits the description of #2. The same principles apply. But after his next binge, ask him if he would really like to get over drinking for good. Do not ask that he do it for you or anyone else—just if he'd like to. If he is lukewarm or thinks he is not an alcoholic, we suggest you leave him alone. Avoid urging him. The seed has been planted. Wait until repeated stumbling convinces him he must act.
If you have a #3 husband, you may be in luck. Being certain he wants to stop, you can go to him with this volume as joyfully as though you had struck oil. Again, you should not crowd him. Let him decide for himself. Cheerfully see him through more sprees. Talk about his condition or this book only when he raises the issue.
Hope for the Despairingly Ill
You would suppose that men in the fourth classification would be quite hopeless, but that is not so. Often such men have spectacular and powerful recoveries. If he is already committed to an institution but can convince you and your doctor that he means business, give him a chance to try our method. The power of God goes deep.
Sometimes you must start life anew. If such women adopt a spiritual way of life, their road will be smoother. If your husband is a drinker, you probably worry over what other people are thinking. We find that most of this embarrassment is unnecessary. While you need not discuss your husband at length, you can quietly let your friends know the nature of his illness. You will no longer be self-conscious or feel that you must apologize as though your husband were a weak character. He may be anything but that.
Rebuilding the Home
The same principle applies in dealing with children. Unless they actually need protection, it is best not to take sides in any argument he has with them while drinking. Frequently, you have felt obliged to lie to your husband's employer. Avoid answering these inquiries as much as you can. Whenever possible, let your husband explain.
There is another paralyzing fear: you may be afraid your husband will lose his position. Should it happen, regard it in a different light. Maybe it will prove a blessing. Time after time, this apparent calamity has been a boon to us, for it opened up a path which led to the discovery of God.
We wives found that, like everybody else, we were afflicted with pride, self-pity, vanity, and selfishness. As our husbands began to apply spiritual principles, we began to see the desirability of doing so too. It was a silly idea that we were "too good" to need God. Now we try to put spiritual principles to work in every department of our lives.
Ups and Downs
In spite of your new-found happiness, there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you. You will make mistakes, but if you are in earnest, they will not drag you down. Never forget that resentment is a deadly hazard to an alcoholic. Next time you and he have a heated discussion, it should be the privilege of either to smile and say, "This is getting serious. I'm sorry I got disturbed. Let's talk about it later."
Your husband knows he owes you much more than sobriety. He wants to make good, yet you must not expect too much. Patience, tolerance, understanding, and love are the watchwords. Another difficulty is that you may become jealous of the attention he bestows on other people, especially alcoholics. The fact is that he should work with other people to maintain his own sobriety. You should join in his efforts as much as you possibly can.
Relapses and Temptation
Perhaps your husband will make a fair start, but then he dismays you by coming home drunk. If you are satisfied he really wants to get over drinking, you need not be alarmed. He will know of his deficiency. Cheer him up and ask him how you can be still more helpful.
We never try to arrange a man's life so as to shield him from temptation. Make him feel absolutely free to come and go as he likes. If he gets drunk, don't blame yourself. God has either removed your husband's liquor problem or He has not.
What we have related is based upon experience, some of it painful. We had to learn these things the hard way. That is why we are anxious that you understand and that you avoid these unnecessary difficulties. So to you out there who may soon be with us, we say good luck and God bless you.
Homework: Week Number 15
Reread: Chapter 8, "To Wives," pages 104 to 121.
Preview: Chapter 9, "The Family Afterward," pages 122 through 135.
Daily Practice: Read pages 86 through 88, morning and night. Try to do what it says.
Daily Readings